King Kang comes to PU

Was King Kong killed atop Empire State Building? No, says Abhilash Gaur, who has traced Kong and his clan to PU. Only, in India, Kong is Kang, like dollar is dallar. Excerpts from an exclusive interview...
AG: How do you like Chandigarh, PU in particular?
King: Oh, Chandigarh is a great city. Its orderliness has given us a sense of purpose. As for PU, I’m afraid it’s a much wronged varsity.
What sense of purpose are you talking about?
Ah, well, there’s so much to do here.All that order...we have to change that.
You said PU is much “wronged�...don’t you see any wrongs inherent in its system as well?
Not anymore. Now that we run the system—as in deciding who gets admission, when exams are held and so on—we can have no complaints with it. Yes, it still takes a little time to have our writ run but we are working on removing bottlenecks. Eventually, I hope to be de jure King.
You mean, you’ll be signing PU orders, degrees, certificates... Yes. As soon as I can learn to sign my name the same way twice. I am working hard on it. (Shows the notebook he has been practising in) You mentioned PU is much wronged...
Well, do you know anyone who gets it right. Everybody I know spells it Punjab rather than Panjab...
Tell us, King, how do you intend to establish yourself at the university’s helm?
Basically through encouragement. PU authorities as it is are known to capitulate in anticipation.
They have been working overtime to wipe out all traces of a system. Indeed, we would be nowhere without them.
So you wouldn’t be resorting to hunger strikes and dharnas?
Not unless these are needed. You see, a hunger strike is a method of last resort. It is a dire warning to all opponents. It conveys that we are preparing to gobble them up. But you resort to hunger strikes quite frequently... That’s merely making a virtue of necessity.Whenever too much boozing and hogging leaves us sick, we go on hunger strike. It not only scares the s#@t out of our opponents but also ensures treatment at the varsity’s expense.
Still, King, you are accused of being destructive.
Every saint has his detractors, haha-ha.
Seriously, why are you opposed to constructive ideas and activities?
Because they are at the root of all corruption. Be it roads, bridges or mere houses, every construction project involves kickbacks. In fact, I’ll call for a probe into...
Ahem, violence seems to have come to stay on the campus. Why don’t you stop your tribe from stealing swords and knives into the varsity?
These are only for self-defence. Everybody knows the pen is mightier than the sword, yet, every student and faculty member is allowed to carry one, even two or three, openly. Are my kin, who are no good with the pen, supposed to go down without a fight? There is a malicious and motivated campaign against us.
King, sexual harassment is also on the rise. Your kin have also been named...
This is another lie. In all my time on the campus, I have never been sexually harassed.
Tell us something about your personal life.
Well, as you know, my folks have always lived off the produce of the land...
Have you ever tilled land, sown a crop...
Yes, I dare say I can raise a bumper crop of wild oats.
You are a history-sheeter, how came you to the law department?
Basically, to seek legitimacy. But now I have decided to pursue research in loopholes as well. We wish you all the best, King. May you have many more eventful years on the campus.
Thank you, I’ll stay here unless the law manages to run its own course.
(King Kang is a fictional character. Any resemblance to any gorilla living or dead is coincidental and unintended.)
abhilashgaur@indiatimes.com